Mac hates your genitals

Mac went from air to vapor...
Anyone who's serious about their notebook's hardware knows that Intel's fusion Core i7 620M (Arrandale) chip is about the most awesome fusion processor available on the market. The benchmarks alone are enough to set any graphic-and-performance-conscious geek's heart aflutter, but the hidden specs should push anyone on the fence into Intel's corner. Sure, it's only a dualcore (with hyperthreading quadcore emulation) but the fucker is fast. So fast, in fact, that Mac decided to throw it in the new Macbook Pro to create the second coming of Jesus, in laptop form.

Unfortunately for Mac, this messiah can't turn water into wine but he can boil it when he forces the CPU to run at temperatures in excess of 100 degrees celsius.

The problem with the I7's overheating has nothing to do with the chip itself, but has everything to do with Mac's hatred of copper pipes. The smexy and sleek aluminum frame of a Macbook isn't just for aesthetics, as any latte-swilling douche at the mall will be happy to tell you, it's part of a passive cooling system that helps diffuse heat to the air around the machine. Traditional laptops (read: non-Mac) keep their processors cool by running a copper pipe to a side vent allocated for this very purpose and it works perfectly. In other words, every non-Mac notebook manufacturer is circumventing these heating issues by using the exact same technology used architects two millennia ago in Rome's bathhouses.

So why does Mac hate on the pipe? The answer, this time, actually is "just for aesthetics". By way of simplification, the copper pipe -> vent solution requires that the chassis of the notebook be a bit deeper to make allowances for the pipe (channel) and the side vent. Mac, however, doesn't cotton to this as they appear to be hell-bent in their quest to streamline everything to the absolute thinnest form factor possible: from their notebooks to their CEOs. *rimshot* Hilarity and scorched scrotums ensue.

Yet, the problem with Macbooks searing manly bits is hardly a new one and is no way enedmic only to the I7 processor. Hell, last year the boyos at Penny Arcade chided Mac for the painful side-effects of their unorthodox cooling system... and that was a system without the I7.

If nothing else, this story is the first non-iPad reference to Mac in the past 10 months that hasn't involved them kicking in a journalist's door and seizing his computer...so it just might count as good press!

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De Beers: "We're really running out of diamonds this time. For reals."

An example of a stunning engagement ring that doesn't feature a single diamond anywhere on it. The man who designed this ring was a crazy artistic genius...
Since 1939, De Beers has shamelessly programmed American consumers to associate diamonds with romance and luxury. The great question behind this move was, of course, why? By advantageously controlling the majority of the global supply of diamonds, all that was standing between De Beers and scrotum-clenching profit was for the pesky issue on the other side of economics: demand. The famous 1947 N.W. Ayer ad campaign (which committed the phrase "A diamond is forever" into our cultural cache) more or less wrapped up the demand side of the equation by irrevocably conflating a diamond with romance and commitment thereby creating an ever-increasing demand for a new commodity. And they accomplished this by blatantly telling consumers what they wanted...

In 1951, N. W. Ayer found some resistance to its million-dollar publicity blitz. It noted in its annual strategy review:

"The millions of brides and brides-to-be are subjected to at least two important pressures that work against the diamond engagement ring. Among the more prosperous, there is the sophisticated urge to be different as a means of being smart.... the lower-income groups would like to show more for the money than they can find in the diamond they can afford..."

To remedy these problems, the advertising agency argued, "It is essential that these pressures be met by the constant publicity to show that only the diamond is everywhere accepted and recognized as the symbol of betrothal."
Soon everyone was so swept up in the romance of it all that no one really noticed De Beers controlling the supply of available diamonds behind the scenes which created artificial scarcity and increased the demand (price) through diminished supply (assholes).

None of this should be new to you, loyal readers, and it hardly qualifies as newsworthy except for the fact that those soulless cunts at De Beers are once again stating that there is a dearth of available diamonds and, in unrelated news, stand to see a 5% increase in overall diamond prices a year for the next 5 years due to this scarcity. Surely, there's no reason why De Beers would engage in untoward price-controlling practices in the wake of last year's horrific profits which saw a 99% decrease in the first half of 2009.

To summarize: De Beers has a terrible year which saw its global profits slashed and now they are telling consumers there's a lack of available diamonds while shamelessly raising the prices of their existing supply? Are consumers really stupid enough to believe De Beers and pay more for a diamond with an artificially inflated price that they've been told to like? Apparently, yes. Yes they are.

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Boobquake (or, Think Globally, Fuck Locally)

Few things boil my blood quite like kneejerk anti-Islamic sentiment. In the wake of September 11th, every Joe 6-Pack in America looked at the actions of a handful of extremist douchebags and decided that Islam, as a religion, had nothing of value to offer to them (or the rest of the world) and have tended to judge more moderate members of the religion a bit harshly.

That said, it's almost understandable for the average, xenophobic mouthbreather to have a dim view of Muslims this week. South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone were threatened to receive the Theo Van Gogh treatment because they dared to include a satirical depiction of Muhammad in this week's episode. Across the pond, French President Nicolas Sarkozy is being met with protests after showing those brown-skinned devils what-for with legislation that would ban the wearing of full facial veils in public after claiming the veils "...hurt the dignity of women and are unacceptable in French society."

But there is some good in Islamic extremism if you look hard enough, loyal readers. Take the case of Iranian hardline cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, for example. This week Sedighi made headlines by stating that immodestly dressed women are to blame for earthquakes and other natural disasters. That's right: women showing cleavage are responsible for untold billions of dollars of damages wrought on innocent people the world over.
These jiggly jugs are the very tits that laid Haiti low
Unsurprisingly, Kazem's sweepingly misogynistic statement has been viewed as unpopular by women the world over, such as American college student (and proudly outspokern D-cup) Jennifer McCreight who has organized a global protest of Kazem's words. McCreight has also decided to name her protest, and she has named it Boobquake.

Boobquake is McCreight's attempt to either prove Kazem wrong or bring about the end of the world some 2 years ahead of schedule by causing nation-razing earthquakes the world over... or nothing at all. Like all good protests, McCreight will be fought in the trenches of Facebook and will encourage women everywhere to flash a little tit. "...bring out your boobs" says McCreight "...to see if they can produce an earthquake."

Protests like this make me strangely sympathetic to Islamic fundamentalists. Protest away, ladies! On April 26th, let's show these heathens what Americans can do!

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Nintendo does unspeakable things to women

If you're going to be topless and bent over to show of the pants-tightening hottness of your trampstamp, spring for original Oreos. Who the hell eats Golden Oreos?
Submitted for your approval is the curious case of Amanda Flowers. Amanda is a 24-year-old Brit who survived being saddled with a name befitting a porn star only to suffer an injury sustained from her Wii Fit which she claims has transformed her into an insatiable nymphomaniac. Sometimes, these posts just write themselves...

"Courtesy of a fall from her Wii Fit board... a doctor diagnosed her with Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome due to a damaged nerve... Even the slightest of vibrations, from mobile phones to food processors, turns her on, reports The Daily Star."
So, an uncoordinated gamergirl falls off of her Wii Fit board and is suddenly transmogrified into a panting and moaning Nintendo Whore (note: link is 60% NSFW, but entirely awesome). So long as she looks anything like Hayley Atwell (as all young British women should)... where's the problem?

I admit that I wasn't completely surprised by this story. Given the suggestive shape and vibratory nature of the Wiimote I figured it was only a matter of time until someone used their Wii in a sticky and untoward manner which would most assuredly void its warranty. What did surprise me, however, is the legitimacy of the nature of the injury Ms. Flowers claims to have sustained. Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome is only just coming into acceptance by the modern medical community and so it is possible the tragedy this woman is enduring is completely real. From what little first-hand accounts of PGAS I have read, it sounds horrible. But not half as horrible as being reduced to an insatiable, sex-addled nympho courtesy by a gaming console which owes its inception to the caperings of two Italian plumbers with mustaches that would make Ron Jeremy blush.

Ultimately, I believe this story while only serve to increase the Wii's already meteoric sales. While it may not have the serious, competitive titles to appeal to *real* gamers it can turn your girlfriend into a sex-starved hellcat. Suck on, THAT PS3!

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