Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Mac hates your genitals

Mac went from air to vapor...

Anyone who's serious about their notebook's hardware knows that Intel's fusion Core i7 620M (Arrandale) chip is about the most awesome fusion processor available on the market. The benchmarks alone are enough to set any graphic-and-performance-conscious geek's heart aflutter, but the hidden specs should push anyone on the fence into Intel's corner. Sure, it's only a dualcore (with hyperthreading quadcore emulation) but the fucker is fast. So fast, in fact, that Mac decided to throw it in the new Macbook Pro to create the second coming of Jesus, in laptop form.

Unfortunately for Mac, this messiah can't turn water into wine but he can boil it when he forces the CPU to run at temperatures in excess of 100 degrees celsius.

The problem with the I7's overheating has nothing to do with the chip itself, but has everything to do with Mac's hatred of copper pipes. The smexy and sleek aluminum frame of a Macbook isn't just for aesthetics, as any latte-swilling douche at the mall will be happy to tell you, it's part of a passive cooling system that helps diffuse heat to the air around the machine. Traditional laptops (read: non-Mac) keep their processors cool by running a copper pipe to a side vent allocated for this very purpose and it works perfectly. In other words, every non-Mac notebook manufacturer is circumventing these heating issues by using the exact same technology used architects two millennia ago in Rome's bathhouses.

So why does Mac hate on the pipe? The answer, this time, actually is "just for aesthetics". By way of simplification, the copper pipe -> vent solution requires that the chassis of the notebook be a bit deeper to make allowances for the pipe (channel) and the side vent. Mac, however, doesn't cotton to this as they appear to be hell-bent in their quest to streamline everything to the absolute thinnest form factor possible: from their notebooks to their CEOs. *rimshot* Hilarity and scorched scrotums ensue.

Yet, the problem with Macbooks searing manly bits is hardly a new one and is no way enedmic only to the I7 processor. Hell, last year the boyos at Penny Arcade chided Mac for the painful side-effects of their unorthodox cooling system... and that was a system without the I7.

If nothing else, this story is the first non-iPad reference to Mac in the past 10 months that hasn't involved them kicking in a journalist's door and seizing his it just might count as good press!
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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Nintendo does unspeakable things to women

If you're going to be topless and bent over to show of the pants-tightening hottness of your trampstamp, spring for original Oreos. Who the hell eats Golden Oreos?

Submitted for your approval is the curious case of Amanda Flowers. Amanda is a 24-year-old Brit who survived being saddled with a name befitting a porn star only to suffer an injury sustained from her Wii Fit which she claims has transformed her into an insatiable nymphomaniac. Sometimes, these posts just write themselves...

"Courtesy of a fall from her Wii Fit board... a doctor diagnosed her with Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome due to a damaged nerve... Even the slightest of vibrations, from mobile phones to food processors, turns her on, reports The Daily Star."

So, an uncoordinated gamergirl falls off of her Wii Fit board and is suddenly transmogrified into a panting and moaning Nintendo Whore (note: link is 60% NSFW, but entirely awesome). So long as she looks anything like Hayley Atwell (as all young British women should)... where's the problem?

I admit that I wasn't completely surprised by this story. Given the suggestive shape and vibratory nature of the Wiimote I figured it was only a matter of time until someone used their Wii in a sticky and untoward manner which would most assuredly void its warranty. What did surprise me, however, is the legitimacy of the nature of the injury Ms. Flowers claims to have sustained. Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome is only just coming into acceptance by the modern medical community and so it is possible the tragedy this woman is enduring is completely real. From what little first-hand accounts of PGAS I have read, it sounds horrible. But not half as horrible as being reduced to an insatiable, sex-addled nympho courtesy by a gaming console which owes its inception to the caperings of two Italian plumbers with mustaches that would make Ron Jeremy blush.

Ultimately, I believe this story while only serve to increase the Wii's already meteoric sales. While it may not have the serious, competitive titles to appeal to *real* gamers it can turn your girlfriend into a sex-starved hellcat. Suck on, THAT PS3!
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