Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The Handmade Portal 2 Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Valentine's Day is but a week away, and while many of you have no doubt secured the absolutely perfect gift for your spouse/significant other/hetero-lifemate, there are those who insist upon waiting until the last minute to show the test subject in their life just how much they care.

Following in the spirit of last year's guide to Skyrim Valentine's Day Gifts, your friend here at Kawaiian Punch has plumbed the depths of Etsy to bring you some of the craftiest Portal 2 swag that the internet has to offer.  

Why Portal 2, you might ask? Outside of its razor-sharp writing, Portal 2 is a brilliant puzzle game that can be enjoyed by couples of the co-op persuasion.  If you and yours enjoyed thwarting GLaDOS together, or suffered under her lash side-by-side in the co-op mode, the quirky characters from Valve's physics masterpiece can make for the perfect Valentine's Day gift.

Sure, you could just buy your love a customizable Aperture Science Portal Gun from Thinkgeek - but where's the originality in that? Read on, and see if any of these are perfect for the geek in your life!

Crocheted Potato GLaDOS (PotatOS)

Price: ~$4.00 to ~$50.00
Following a rather amusing plot twist, the passive-aggressive GLaDOS winds up stuck to a potato battery and thus PotatOS is born.  To many who've played the game, GLaDOS's transformation/transportation to PotatOS is one of the most memorable (and starchy!) moments in Portal 2, so why not commemorate it with a crocheted doll?  The pattern is available for a mere $4.00 to those who have the talent, and the seller is willing to ship a finished product (at an additional cost) to those who lack.

Companion Cube Metal Dice

Price: $29.00 ea. / $58.00 for a pair
More of a holdover from the first Portal, the Companion Cube still plays a large role in the puzzle solving of the second game.  Now it can also play a large role in your gaming life with these 3D-printed metal dice. While the sides are cast in stainless steel, the dice themselves are hollow so they shouldn't be too heavy.... unlike you, fatty fatty no parents.

Atlas and P-body T-Shirt

Price: $15.00
Celebrate your co-conspiratorial relationship in geeky style with this homage to the unsung heroes of Portal 2's multiplayer mode.  Barely more competent than a pair of graphing calculators, Atlas and Pbody nevertheless serve as GLaDOS's pawns while simultaneously annoying her with their human-styled capering.  If you've ever sent your loved one flying out of a misplaced portal and into a pool of acid, this t-shirt will do wonders to smooth things over afterwards.

Handpainted Bra

Price: $35.00
With a lead time of 6 weeks, it's unlikely that you'll receive this geeky lingerie in time for Valentine's Day, and that might be for the best.  Better, perhaps, worn as a gift instead of given as one, your partner will have no trouble thinking with portals after he/she catches an eyeful of you wearing this physics defying number.

Companion Cube Skirt

Price: $45.99
A bit less intimate than the handpainted bra above, this cute skirt is perfect for warm summer cons or hot nights spent at a LAN party. Unfortunately, like the bra above, the skirt requires 2-3 weeks manufacture time so you might be giving a paper printout "IOU" proxy gift if your heart is set on wrapping this around the waist of your skirt-wearing, Portal-playing loved one.

LED Backlit Portal Mirrors

Price: $199.99
Take a pair of oval mirrors, mix in some LED strings of the corresponding blue and orange colors and you'll get the unrivaled centerpiece of any geek's gaming room. The original set available on Etsy is a bit on the pricy side, and they're smaller than they look (good for a corgi-sized test subject, perhaps). They also take a few weeks to make, which also disqualifies them for a Valentine's Day delivery date.

...yet those with a bit of crafty know-how and easy access to an Ikea, can make their own set by following the tutorial below!