Thursday, August 29, 2013

The real problem with turn-based RPGs isn't the graphics, it's the mages


Mages, wizards, sorcerers, spellcasters... no matter what you call the MP-using, back-rank damage dealers from the early days of turn-based RPGs, they all shared a couple of common traits.  For starters, they were the absolute best way to bitch down a boss in a couple of turns... but they were also the most absolutely worthless party member for every fight up until that point.

While other party members like Knights, Thieves, and even Chemists could dish out a respectable amount of damage per fight, the mage would have to choose between wasting some of his precious MP on a random encounter or be content to dish out single-digit damage with some of the most feeble melee strikes in the game.

The video clip below comes from The Continuum, and will resonate with anyone who's ever had to shell out 1,500gp for an Ether to use because Mr. Fancystaff shot his Firaga IV all over the mini-boss that was waiting outside of the boss's main chamber.

In other words, it's a near-perfect parody of everyone's favorite liability in a party - the dithering mage...


What relegates this clip to being near-perfect parody is the fact the game that this video is satirizing - Final Fantasy IV - was the first Final Fantasy game to introduce the active-time battle system. So, while the wizard was flipping through menu screen after menu screen looking for the right spell, the hideous troll thing would have pummeled the party's respective faces into pulp.

But hey, the lulz from "thou art a douchebag" more than make up for it.  White Mage burrnnnnnnnnnn.