Monday, November 11, 2013

Denny's new Hobbit menu will bring desolation to your colon (for under $10.00!)


Diner-alternative restaurant chain Denny's shocked the world last year when it unveiled a special Hobbit-themed menu to tie in with the release of Peter Jackson's long-awaited blockbuster.

Despite the relatively cool idea of Hobbit-inspired food, the menu itself was somewhat lacking in everything but names.  "Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies", for example, don't factor too heavily into the lore of Tolkien's universe, but Denny's had them a deep frier and some red velvet pancake batter sitting around, and - Smaug damn it - they knew what to do with them!

Everyone kinda thought Denny's menu was a one-off due to its ridiculousness, but it looks like they're going for a full trilogy of their own since the chain's just unveiled its latest assault on your body's trans fat and glucose levels.

Behold, The Desolation of Smaug menu:


Leading the charge is "Smaug's Fire Burger" - a regular Denny's burger on a cheddar bun topped with... X-sauce(?), melted pepperjack cheese, and fried jalapenos.  Also in the entree camp is "Dwarves Turkey & Dressing Dinner" which has about as much to do with The Hobbit as the The Marshall Mathers LP 2 does.

I suppose there's nothing in the text to state that the dwarves *didn't* eat turkey with cranberry sauce, but it seems that Denny's just decided to rebrand their "Cry yourself to sleep, nobody wants you over for Thanksgiving" dinner special for the promotion.

On the breakfast side, the menu fares a little better with dishes like "Hobbit Hole Breakfast" (two eggs fried into a pair of grilled cheddar bun halves served with cheddar-cheese topped hash browns and bacon) and"Bilbo's Breakfast Feast", while the Hearty Breakfast Sausage, Sweet Potato Pancakes, and Honey Cake French Toast premium add-on items can be tacked onto any meal for $0.49.

Unfortunately, you probably can't make a meal of the three for $1.50 - but, my god would that be awesome.

The real joy of the menu, however, is in the less obvious options.  "Bard's Pumpkin Pie Milkshare" is something I can't really picture the great captain of Laketown drinking, but I'll eagerly quaff gallons of anything with the word "pumpkin" in the title.

So, well played Denny's.  That Milkshake might be enough to bring this boy to your yard.