Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Toys R Us is taking pre-orders for a real-world Mario Kart (ride on...)

That picture right there is pretty much all you need to send you into bouts of murderous rage against anybody under the age of six this morning.

What you're looking at is the awesome - and officially licensed - Mario Kart Ride On which Jakks Pacific just dropped on the world.  Built to support riders up to 70 (booooo!), this kart seriously has everything you'd ever want from a toy.

Just take a look at the features list -
  • Battery powered 6V ride on based on the popular video game
  • Top speed of 2.5 MPH
  • Forward and reverse driving
  • On- and off-road tires 
  • Makes fun sounds from the game
In what horrible world is this thing fair?  How can you market a battery-powered kart with on- and off-road tires that makes goddamn sound effects from Mario Kart and not make an adult version?  I'd commute to work in this thing if I had the option... and, y'know, had to leave my house to work on a regular basis.

Mrgrgr... anyway, those of you lucky enough to have toddlers and $200 lying around from your tax refunds can head over to Toys R Us's website and pre-order one today - or you can wait for them to hit store shelves on March 7.

For everyone else, you've pretty much got two options: pull a Christian Bale and diet until you're under 70lbs or go out and have/adopt a kid of your own so you can live vicariously through them.

As for myself, I am 100% ordering this for my niece's birthday and have every intention of supergluing her adorable ass to the seat so my sister can never separate her from my her dream toy.

Seriously!  Look at all the fun he's having.  I've never hated a toddler more in my life.